


Inevitable

by g0nes0uth



Category: The Half of It (2020)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Developing Relationship, F/F
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-10-21
Updated: 2021-01-08
Packaged: 2021-03-09 03:27:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 9,496
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27137284
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/g0nes0uth/pseuds/g0nes0uth
Summary: *An alternative plot which starts after the confrontation at the church."When you wrote those letters and sent those messages, how much of that was actually you?"
Relationships: Ellie Chu & Aster Flores, Ellie Chu/Aster Flores
Comments: 40
Kudos: 180





	1. Chapter 1

Aster hastily wiped the tears from her eyes when she saw Paul getting out of his truck. He slowly walked over to her car, which she had parked on the side of the road near the outskirts of Squahamish.

"What are you doing here?!"

Her words made him take a couple of steps back. The anger in her voice was palpable. He resumed his approach, more careful than before. He'd been driving for hours trying to find her, there was no way he'd turn back now.

Paul took a knee right beside the driver's seat where Aster sat, her eyes starting to well up with tears again. "Aster, I'm so sorry."

Aster covered her face with her hands, as if trying to stop the tears from falling. All of the events from that morning was overwhelming. And as if trying to deal with the disappointment of discovering that she was misled by Paul and Ellie wasn't hard enough, her father relentlessly berated her as soon as they got home about what happened. He was so concerned about what everyone would say or feel after witnessing the commotion--Trig, Trig's family, the church people --everyone except his own daughter, it seemed.

"Paul just go away, please," she pleaded, her words a bit muffled. The tears have stopped flowing, at least for now.

"I know you're mad at me and that's fine, I won't bother you anymore after this," he answered. "But please don't be mad at Ellie. She doesn't deserve it."

Aster finally removed her hands from her face and placed them on her lap. _Ellie_. While the whole ruse made her angry at Paul, it was the fact that Ellie was involved in it that really hurt. She had always felt like she could trust Ellie, despite there being not much evidence why. She just felt like she could.

"You came all the way here just to tell me that?"

Paul's eyes were somewhere on the road beside them as he tried to figure out how to respond. He spent the entire drive there thinking of how to explain himself to Aster, but he was never good at talking. Words were Ellie's turf and she was miles away, probably at the train post, most likely crying. In that moment, it was the thought of Ellie that helped him find the words.

"Well, that's what people do for people they care about, right? They put in effort even things are hard. I mean, Ellie helped me get to know you and be with you. That couldn't have been easy. Driving for a while to help her is nothing."

Aster had been staring at her hands the entire time Paul spoke, and now she raised her head to face him. "If any of you two cared for me the way you made me think you do, you wouldn't have played me like a fool."

"I know," Paul answered, letting out a huge breath. "But I was desperate then, and I think Ellie only agreed because it was the closest she could get to telling you how she feels."

Aster's mind suddenly raced with all the words she'd once, albeit hesitatingly, attributed to Paul. It was only then it truly hit her: all superficial details aside, Ellie didn't write those letters pretending to be Paul; she wrote them as herself. This was why she thought there were two sides of Paul -- the one who wrote her letters and the one she spent time with in person. The side who wrote those letters, the side she felt a very different level of attraction to, was Ellie.

Paul looked back at Aster and felt like she'd come to some form of realization. He smiled slightly at her. "You should hear her talk about you, Aster," he said. He put his hand on the car door and pushed himself up. "Take care on your drive home."

The tears had completely stopped falling by the time Paul's truck was out of Aster's sight. She knew she had to go back home, too. Back home to deal with her family, Trig, and most importantly, herself.

* * *

Aster's shift at the café had just ended when she noticed her phone buzz.

_SmithCorona: I'm outside_

The message surprised Aster. It had been two weeks after the incident at church, and after that conversation with Paul, she didn't see or hear from either him or Ellie. It had also been two weeks of trying to drag Trig out of his denial after she told him that she didn't want to marry him and that she, in fact, wanted to break up. In the end she reluctantly agreed to Trig's family's request to not let anyone know about their breakup, at least until they know he was "stable" enough to handle the community's reaction.

She stepped out of the café and saw Ellie standing by the sidewalk, looking at her feet with both her hands jammed inside her jeans pockets. "Hey," she greeted, causing Ellie to look up.

"Hi," Ellie said back. "Can we talk?"

"Sure." Aster started walking down the sidewalk and Ellie followed suit beside her.

"I just wanted to apologize for what happened at the church," Ellie started. "I hope you didn't get into much trouble with your father. Haven't seen you at church the past couple of weeks." She nervously looked at Aster after every few words, checking for her reaction.

Aster smiled back, much to Ellie's relief. "It's ok, I've just been busy."

Ellie nodded in acknowledgement. She wanted to ask what Aster had been busy with, but figured she can ask later on. Right now she had more important things to say.

"I also wanted to say sorry about pretending to be Paul. I knew it was a stupid idea right from the beginning but he's a good guy and he really likes you so I helped him. We shouldn't have done it."

Aster realized that Ellie didn't know that Paul told her about how Ellie felt. "I have to say I wasn't that surprised, it really felt like I was talking to two different people," Aster answered. She approached the bench across where her car was parked and pulled Ellie to take a seat beside her. "Ellie, I wanted to ask you something about that... About what happened."

Ellie visibly swallowed hard but still nodded, inviting her to continue.

"When you wrote those letters and sent those messages, how much of that was actually you?"

Ellie looked into Aster's eyes and held the gaze. At any other point before that moment that she would think that she'd freeze upon getting that kind of question from Aster Flores. But right then, her answer came immediately and with certainty.

"That was me. I wasn't pretending."

Aster was about to answer but Ellie interrupted her "I know you're probably getting married and there's virtually no chance at this, but you might as well know," she continued, almost passively.

The truth was, Aster hadn't completely figured out how she felt about Ellie. She knew for certain they had a strong connection, but a lot of how she felt was intertwined with who she thought Paul was, and her confusion over her then failing relationship with Trig. She didn't have an honest response to offer Ellie, although it didn't feel like Ellie demanded it.

Their silence was broken by the sound of Ellie's phone coming off from her pocket. Aster recognized the sound as the one for the ghost messenger app they both used.

"SmithCorona stirring up trouble again?" she said teasingly, as Ellie fished her phone out of her pants.

"This girl from class I met at the recital party is asking me to hang out," Ellie said as she read the message on her screen. She was only able to absorb what she said after she said it, and immediately felt awkward saying it in front of Aster.

"Are you going to say yes?" Aster asked, her voice still teasing but also a bit cautious. She watched Ellie put her phone back into her pocket without sending a response.

"I don't know yet. Maybe?" Her answer sounded more like a question for Aster than an actual response.

Aster didn't say a word. She looked at her watch and stood up, remembering her curfew. "I have to go now, Ellie Chu."


	2. Chapter 2

Aster drove home feeling like she was in an argument with herself. She felt awkward but couldn’t pinpoint why, exactly. It was like she’d just walked into a room she wasn’t supposed to be in, like when she saw Paul try to kiss Ellie. Back then she thought it was about how she felt about Paul.

But what’s her excuse now?

She was already on their driveway but couldn’t get herself to step out of the car. She was still trying to sort out her feelings, and having to add this new one surely wouldn’t help. She also knew it was time to be bold — to be sure of what she wants, and how she feels. And for now, it meant putting on a brave face in front of her family, at least until her father can forgive her for breaking up with Trig.

It was hours later when she got another message from Ellie.

_SmithCorona: Why did you ask how much of what I said in the letters was actually me?_

_DiegaRivero: I wanted to know how much of it was real. You owe me that much._

_SmithCorona: That’s fair. Ok, we made you think we were just one person, but how we were when we interacted with you, that was real. How Paul was when you spent time together, that's how he is. And what I wrote when we exchanged letters and messages, those were really my thoughts._

Aster placed her phone on her side table and turned to the other side of her bed, an attempt to get some sleep despite her restless mind.

She thought, if Paul was genuine throughout their interactions, then what she already knew remained to be true: that he was a sweet guy who made her feel safe — a person she saw as a friend.

But the letters and messages were different. They sparked a light in her that she couldn’t put out. She felt connected, understood, and for the first time, appreciated in a way that made her want to be more like herself. She thought that was Paul, but after everything -- the awkward dates, the time with Ellie at the hot spring, the confrontation at the church -- she realized: were the feelings she thought she felt for Paul really for Ellie?

* * *

Aster took a quick glance at her watch before repositioning herself on the chair she was sitting in. It was 12:07 at noon. She didn’t have anything planned, except that she wanted to be there. In the past few weeks she had been thinking about what she wanted and how she really felt about the people around her, and she finally decided that the only way to know for sure was to spend time with them.

“What are you doing here?” Ellie’s face flashed both shock and confusion as she saw Aster sitting in the train booth. It had been weeks since they met where Aster worked and the only interactions they’ve had were the silent looks at church and the occasional sending of book or movie references over ghost messenger.

Aster’s expression didn’t look like any time had passed, however. She smiled back and handed Ellie one of the lamps. “Was wondering if I can help you rule your tiny universe for a bit.”

Ellie’s eyebrows remained furrowed but she nodded slowly and extended her arm out, leading Aster outside the booth. They stood beside each other while leaning on the booth wall, facing the direction where they expected the train to come from.

“How are things going?” Aster asked. Her hand was brushing against the fabric of Ellie’s jacket and she felt oddly conscious but tried to ignore it, looking at something ahead of them instead.

“Fine, I guess,” Ellie answered. She paused and look down on the ground. Aster saw it from her peripheral vision and recognized it as what Ellie usually did when she was about to say something she’s nervous about. “I got into Grinnell.”

“That’s great!” Aster exclaimed. She turned towards Ellie and squeezed her arm a little bit. “I’m happy for you.”

Ellie smiled back at her. “Thanks.” The faint sound of the the train started to fill the air. “What have you been up to these days?”

Aster leaned back onto the wall. She took a deep breath, her smile fading. “I broke up with Trig.”

Ellie remained motionless except for her eyes slightly widening. “Oh. I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be,” Aster answered. “It’s something that’s been on my mind, even before I got Paul’s — I mean _your_ letters.”

They went silent as sound of the train grew louder, and the walls of the booth started to hum. After a while it was Ellie who spoke again. “Can I ask you something?”

“Sure.”

“Was there ever a time you were happy, when you were with him?”

Aster’s eyes fluttered. It was a question she always asked herself. It surprised her to hear it from someone else. “I don’t know. There were nice times, I guess. But it mostly felt like an arrangement more than a relationship. Why?”

The train was already in sight — small but gaining in size as the moments went by. “You just never seemed to look happy whenever I saw you together. You always looked like you’d rather be not there. Like your mind was someplace else.”

Aster turned her face towards Ellie again, “I didn’t realize that anyone actually noticed that.” She started to picture Ellie looking at her without her knowing.

The train was closer now, and the walls of the booth was vibrating steadily behind them. “It’s hard not to notice you,” Ellie muttered.

Before Aster can answer, Ellie turned on the lamp she was holding and motioned for Aster to do the same. “Let's go. The universe awaits, Ms. Flores.”

* * *

“Is this your favorite secret place?” Aster asked. She folded her legs under her and ran her fingers against the cold wall of the empty train carriage Ellie led her to after they raised the light signals at the booth. “Something like that,” Ellie answered, sitting down beside her.

Aster watched her fiddle with her shoelaces. She felt nice to be part of Ellie’s routine, and to share her space. It felt like getting a peek of who she was, behind the safety of letters and ghost apps. “What do you usually do when you hang out here?” she asked, trying to create a mental image of Ellie hanging out there on her own.

“Read, mostly. Or write.”

Aster smiled at her in a way that Ellie can only describe as flirtatious, at least based on how she imagined it would look like. “Is this where you wrote your letters to me?”

"Some of them,” Ellie answered, unable to keep eye contact with Aster for very long.

Aster looked around and tried to imagine where Ellie would’ve been when she wrote the letters. Her eyes landed back at Ellie, who had gotten back at playing with her shoelace.

“Is this where you hung out with the girl from the recital party?” she asked. She immediately looked away from Ellie as she said it, figuring that might give a hint of the nervousness starting to grow inside her. It wasn’t just a question for Ellie to answer; it was a test of her own reaction.

Ellie watched her after hearing the question, however, curious as to why Aster would bring it up. “No, she’s never been here,” she answered. Aster turned and gave her a curious look, and she took it as her queue to say more. “We went to a coffee shop once and talked,” she continued. “That’s it so far.”

Aster felt that familiar feeling again bubbling up inside her. It was clearer to her now that the idea of Ellie going out with someone bothered her. Fortunately she was more prepared to handle the feeling this time. “Sounds great. It’s nice you’re going out with someone.”

“I’m not actually sure yet if I like her that way,” Ellie blurted out. She looked at Aster as if looking for confirmation. “But I guess I need to be more open to getting to know people who are actually like me, you know? Someone I actually have a chance with. Is that bad?”

Aster looked back at Ellie. She wanted to tell her that it’s been crossing her mind: if they were the same — if she, too, was _different_. But she wasn’t sure yet and it wouldn’t be fair to make Ellie hang on to something she wasn’t certain about. She can’t do that, especially when what she knows for sure is that she wants to keep Ellie in her life, one way or another.

“It’s not bad,” Aster responded looking straight into Ellie's eyes. "You deserve to be with someone who makes you happy."

“You deserve that, too,” Ellie answered right back.

They walked back to the train booth some time after, when Ellie realized that she still had a lot of errands to do for her father. Aster was surprised when she realized it was well into the afternoon. She always found herself counting the hours when she was with Trig -- losing track of time while with a person instead of a book was something she wasn't that used to.

“Thanks for the afternoon. I had fun,” said Aster, standing by Ellie near the door leading to her house’s stairway.

“Yeah, me too.”

Not giving herself enough time to overthink, Aster walked up to Ellie and gave her a soft kiss on the cheek. “See you around, heathen.”


	3. Chapter 3

Aster was driving home one afternoon when she saw Paul walking at the side of the road. She slowed down until her car was right by him. "What happened to your truck?" she called out.

He turned in surprise, almost like he didn't hear her pull up. "Oh, Aster! Hi!"

She slowly hit the brakes and he stopped walking as she did. "Why are you walking?" she asked. They hadn't talked since Paul drove all the way almost outside of Squahamish to find her. He kept his word about not bothering her, despite his awkward fidgeting whenever they bumped into each other at church. At some point Aster decided to not hold a grudge against him, as long it was clear to him that she didn't like him the way they both previously thought she did.

He crouched and leaned on the car door, allowing her to see him better. "I just like walking sometimes," he answered matter-of-factly.

"That's strange," Aster commented. "I can give you a ride wherever you're going if it's on the way."

Paul paused in thought. He was really fine with walking his way to where he was going, but it was the first time Aster talked to him in a long while. and he didn't want their first conversation in weeks to end with him refusing to get in a car with her.

"Alright!" he answered, opening the door to the passenger seat.

"Do you do that a lot?" Aster asked as the car started moving again. "Walk on the side of the road alone in the afternoon?"

Paul chuckled, realizing how odd what he was doing sounded the way Aster said it. "Not a lot, but sometimes, yeah. I usually walk while Ellie rides her bike but she had plans with Abe Rogers today so I walked solo. Helps with football, too."

Aster recognized the name. Abe Rogers was a senior in their school. It was then that she made the connection: Abe Rogers was the girl from the recital party that Ellie mentioned.

"Do you ever get upset that you don't get to spend more time with her because she's with someone else?", she asked, trying to sound as casual as she possibly can.

Paul tilted his head slightly, his eyebrows furrowed. "You mean like, jealous?"

Aster bit the inside of her cheeks. She instantly regretted asking the question. She didn't even know why she asked. It just felt like something that she had to say out loud. She took a deep breath and tried to focus. She needed to take things back a couple of notches . "Maybe? Not exactly? Something like that?"

She worried that he might get fixated on the term, but the idea seemed to blow right by him. He scratched his head in thought for a few seconds before answering. "I mean, it bums me out that we don't hang out as often, you know? But Ellie and I are different, and she and Abe, they're the same. And I think it's important to spend time with people the same as you, don't you think?"

"I guess you're right," Aster muttered, choosing not to say anything else. They drove in silence for several minutes and then she remembered that Paul hadn't actually mentioned where he was going, or where he wanted her to drop him off. "Uh, I'm driving my usual route to my house. Where do you want me to drop you off?"

He didn't answer right away and Aster noticed that it was because he was busy with his phone. "Paul?"

"Oh, sorry!" Paul exclaimed. "Anywhere near Billy's Burgers is fine." She nodded to acknowledge that she heard him.

"Want to come with?" Paul asked after a while. Aster suddenly felt a great sense of dread that Paul was misinterpreting their whole interaction. "Paul, I-"

"--I'm meeting Ellie at Billy's," he continued, interrupting her. "Come on. She just texted that Abe is about to leave. We can totally hang out."

Aster's grip on the steering wheel tightened without her fully realizing it. "I don't know. It doesn't sound like a good idea."

"Why not?"

She tried to think of a reason to give; one that she can actually tell him. One that wouldn't add more confusion to the strange dynamic between the three of them.

"You're not still mad at Ellie, are you?" he asked again, now looking tense and worried.

She hated that throughout their conversation he'd only ask her a couple of questions, but they always seemed to stump her. "It's just... It might.. Ok, maybe I can stay for a little while," she answered, defeated.

Paul grinned as he repositioned himself on his seat. "Great!"

She parked her car in front of Billy's Burgers and walked with Paul to the picnic tables scattered at the back. She kept her head down and walked behind Paul, and it was only by the time they reached one of the tables that she realized that Ellie wasn't alone just yet.

"Look who I dragged along?" Paul said with a grin. Aster looked at Ellie, hoping to get some hint of calm, but Ellie looked almost as shocked as she was. Ellie and Abe were seated beside each other, with some books and a couple of guitars scattered on their table.

"H-hi!" Ellie greeted, glancing at them both as she awkwardly got up from the bench. "I didn’t think you’d get here this soon. This is Abe Rogers, by the way."

Abe turned to face them and extended her arm for handshakes. "This is Paul Munsky," Ellie said, pointing at Paul's direction. "And this is Aster Flores."

Aster saw Abe flash Ellie a knowing look upon the mention of her name, but she pretended not to notice. She reached out her hand and mustered an earnest smile. "It's nice you meet you, Abe."

"I know both of you," Abe responded heartily. "You got our football team on the wall," she said, nodding at Paul's direction. "and you.. well you’re _the_ Aster Flores."

Aster smiled back at her, hoping that Abe meant well by what she said. She didn't have a conniving vibe that some of the people she encountered at school had. Abe seemed laid back and genuine, and she figured it wouldn't be surprising if Ellie ended up liking her.

Paul mentioned that they should probably get some food first so they walked back inside, much to her relief. She was starting to regret agreeing to stay, but some part of her also thought that maybe dealing with her own uncomfortable feelings head on would help her deal with them somehow.

When they got back to the table where Ellie and Abe were with their milkshakes and fries, they noticed that Abe was getting ready to leave. "You're leaving? But we just got here," Paul said.

"I know, I'm sorry," Abe answered. She picked up one of the guitars on the table and put it inside its case. "But I really need to go home and finish packing."

"Packing? Where are you going?" Paul asked. He remained standing while Aster hesitatingly took the seat across Ellie.

"Tucson," Abe answered. "I'm going to University of Arizona. Will spend the summer there to settle in early."

Paul slowly nodded his head at her. "Cool."

The three of them looked on as Abe gathered the rest of her things. "It was nice meeting you, guys," she told Paul and Aster. Aster noticed Abe's smile linger at her a bit before she turned towards Ellie. "See you around, Cash," Abe finally said before walking off, carrying her guitar.

Aster glanced at Ellie and saw her looking down, smiling bashfully. She put her hands into her jacket pockets and curled up her fingers into fists as she felt the familiar feeling rising inside her again. And now, no thanks to Paul, she could no longer avoid the word for it. It was jealousy.

"Why did she call you Cash?" Paul asked innocently. He took the seat Abe previously occupied while taking eager slurps of his milkshake. Aster suddenly found a new appreciation for Paul's questioning, despite being subjected to it earlier herself.

"It's nothing," Ellie answered dismissively. She took a quick glance at Aster before looking back down at the books placed between her and Aster. "We were just talking about Johnny Cash earlier."

"Who is he? Another book person?" Paul asked again, this time in between bites of the french fry in his hand.

"He's a singer," Aster answered, but her eyes set on Ellie instead of Paul. "He wrote songs, too. But he's more known for his singing, right?"

Ellie looked up and then right back at her, equal parts curious and confused. "Right."

“Ellie can sing really well,” Paul commented. Ellie hit Paul’s arm when he said it, eliciting a giggle from Aster. “Oh yeah, I heard about you killing it during recitals,” she egged on, her mood shifting a bit now that it was just the three of them. “I’m sorry I missed it.”

Paul’s eyes widened at Aster, and then at Ellie. “Oh yeah you were at that group thing. Hey, you should let Aster hear it!”

Ellie shook her head sternly. “No. No way. That was a one time thing. No.”

“Come on!” Paul begged. “Almost everyone at school already saw it, what’s one more person?” he said. He pointed at the only other occupied table, which was at the other end of the dining area. “Not like there’s anyone else here.”

_But she’s not just another person,_ Ellie thought. She looked at Aster to see how she felt about the entire thing. Aster was smiling at her sweetly. “No pressure, but it would be nice to hear it.”

Ellie held Aster’s gaze, and after a few moments picked up the guitar that was beside her.

“Yes!” Paul cheered, knocking down his milkshake when he pumped his fist. He recoiled and stood up as some milkshake got on his pants. “Awww man!” he groaned. Aster and Ellie watched him as he tried to wipe his pants with the sole piece of napkin on his food tray. “I’ll go get some paper towels inside,” he said, throwing the soaked napkin on the ground. He pointed at Ellie before walking away. “Start singing, Ellie Cash.”

Aster looked on as Paul got out of earshot and of sight, and then looked at Ellie. Ellie was looking at her, too, like she was asking for permission to proceed.

“Go ahead.”

It was the first time Aster heard Ellie sing, and she wasn’t a bit surprised that she was good at it. She wondered why she’d never heard her sing before. She had always found her interesting, and considered her one of the “nice ones” in school. She thought of how things might have been different if they got to know each other more sooner. She wondered if she would’ve felt different, if _she_ would've been different.

Ellie finished the song and looked up at Aster as she played the last notes. "That was beautiful," Aster told her. Ellie was looking right into her eyes and she felt like she was about to say something, but suddenly she looked away when they heard Paul approach. He looked annoyed. "They made me fall in line just to get paper towels," he said flatly as he took a seat.

The three of them sat there for a while, telling each other stories about sausages, people they catch sleeping at church, and stuff they like about Squahamish. Aster felt absolutely refreshed by getting to spend time with people who can talk about things beyond themselves or school gossip. She found herself wishing that Paul and Ellie decided to "write" her sooner, as unpleasant as it was, if it meant having people like them in her life. 

"I might need to head home, there are still some errands with my name on it and my mom will kill me if I don't do them," Paul said, collecting all the paper cups and plates on their table. Aster handed him her cup and plate. "I can just drive you guys home."

Ellie on the other hand was putting her books inside her bag. "You can both go ahead, I have my bike."

"No way! You have a lot of stuff to carry," Paul exclaimed. "I'll just take your bike home, you ride with Aster," he continued, turning to Aster for confirmation. "That's cool, right?"

"Sure," Aster answered, looking at Paul and then at Ellie. She looked a bit nervous. "It's ok, Ellie," Paul said again in a reassuring tone. "I need to get used to using the bike anyway."

After they cleaned up, Aster and Ellie watched Paul ride Ellie's bike out of the burger place's driveway as they loaded Ellie's stuff into the trunk.

"Why does Paul need to get used to using your bike?" Aster asked as she started the car.

"I told him he can use my bike when I leave for Iowa," Ellie answered. Aster suddenly remembered wanting to ask about Ellie's college plans when she visited the train booth but feeling like they weren't _close enough_ for her to ask about it. She figured it wouldn't be so weird now. "When is that?" she asked.

Ellie looked at her briefly, looking a bit surprised that Aster was even interested. "Oh, uhm, in six weeks," she answered.

"Sounds exciting," Aster answered back. "New everything, probably more interesting than boring Squahamish."

Ellie was looking at the fields they were driving by. She looked like she was deep in thought. "I actually don't find Squahamish boring," she answered. After a while she turned to Aster "There are some nice things here, if anyone only bothered to look closely."

Aster felt caught in the moment she had to remind herself to look back at the road and focus on driving. "You should tell me about those soon," she finally responded. "I don't want to make the same mistake again and discover nice things too late." The fact that Aster's answer suggested that they will continue talking didn't escape Ellie, but she tried not to think much of it.

They got to Ellie's house and Aster got out of the car to open the trunk and get Ellie's guitar. "So, are you and Abe going to try for the long distance dating thing?" she asked, in the _trying to be casual_ tone that Ellie was now starting to recognize.

"Oh! We're not like that!" Ellie answered, in the panicky voice that Aster on the other hand knew too well. "We're just... friends."

Aster handed Ellie the guitar. "That's good, because I wanted to ask you something."

Ellie's expression grew more nervous, but her eyes were directly at Aster's, trying to get a read of her. Deep down inside her she had an idea of what Aster was about to say, but she couldn't dare let the words form fully "What's that?"

Aster felt oddly calm, despite what she was about to do. It was something she'd never done before, but she was tethered to what she knew to be true: you can't have a great painting without bold strokes.

"Will you go out with me?"


	4. Chapter 4

"No."

Aster took a couple of steps back in surprise.

"Oh."

She suddenly realized that she mistakenly fully expected Ellie to say yes. She hated herself for not even considering the possibility that Ellie felt otherwise. Her thoughts were starting to drown out everything around her that she almost didn't hear Ellie speak.

"I mean.." Ellie dropped her bag on the ground and then carefully placed her guitar case down on the ground. "I don't think I can say yes when I don't even know what it means."

"You mean... going out?" she asked.

"Yeah," Ellie answered. "Or dating in general. What do people do when they date, exactly?"

The questioned seemed strange at first, but the way Ellie was looking at her made her think that this was an important conversation for her. "I don't know," she answered. "Spend time together and get to know each other, I guess?"

Ellie leaned on the trunk of her car and she found herself doing the same. "The time you spent with Trig, is that what dating is?" Ellie asked.

Aster tried to think of the entirety of their relationship. There were brief moments when Trig showed he cared, at least when they were only starting to date. But for the most part it was her being wherever he was because that was just how things were. Because that was what she thought it meant to date someone, and because that was the only thing he seemed to care about when it came to her. "No, maybe not." she answered. "Or not how it should be." She pushed herself up and sat on the trunk. Ellie followed and sat a couple of inches beside her.

"When we were talking before, Paul asked when the dating part would start and I told him that the exchanging messages part was already dating," Ellie started. "He said that it wasn't, and that dating was about going out and having fries and milkshakes. At first I thought he was nuts, but when you guys actually went out and he told me that you kissed, it made me think maybe he was right after all."

Aster couldn't help but smile a little. She remembered that moment, the oddity of it all. How she kissed Paul to see if she'd feel that connection with him like when they exchanged letters or exchanged messages, but didn't feel anything, really. How she wished she can kiss the version of him that sent those letters, and how strange it was to realize that that person was actually Ellie.

"You weren't completely wrong," she answered, nudging Ellie slightly. "Paul is a nice guy, but the kiss wouldn't have happened without the letters."

Ellie smiled shyly and kept her eyes at their dangling feet below them. She became silent for a while and Aster watched her curiously, waiting to hear her thoughts.

"Helping Paul talk to you made me realize how little I knew about those stuff. I mean, it also helped me understand a lot of things, too, but it was like the more I knew, the more confused I got," Ellie admitted.

This got Aster curious. "What part of it confused you?"

Ellie hesitated for a moment, but took a deep breath and proceeded anyway. "I was already a bit convinced that dating was how Paul defined it, you know? Fries and milkshakes? But when we went on that trip to the hot spring, it became confusing again because I know that wasn't supposed to be a date but some part of me thought that that's how it should feel like."

Memories of that day started to fill Aster's head. How she felt like she can share every part of herself with Ellie without worrying about being judged, or being made to feel like a disappointment. How it surprised her to feel then how she expected to feel when she was with Paul. She sighed and looked back at Ellie who'd been watching her when it was her turn to sink into her thoughts. "For what it's worth, it's not like the thought never crossed my mind, even back then."

Ellie smiled at her and then stared ahead in thought. Aster watched her again, and suddenly grew fascinated of how they're both comfortable in watching each other think in silence. "Do you think that's how it's supposed to feel?" Ellie finally said. “Maybe Paul was wrong after all. Maybe dating isn’t about what you do, or if you even called it 'going out'. It’s about who you’re with, and how being with them makes you feel.”

Aster tried to recall every moment of that day again. It felt natural -- there was no pressure to do or say anything. Just two people being comfortable, getting to know each other, and having a nice time.

"I hope so," she told Ellie. "You know, I haven't felt like that with anybody else before."

"Yeah. Me too," Ellie muttered. She stared ahead again and Aster found herself doing the same. She came to realize that despite being in a relationship before, there was much she didn't know about them. And meeting Ellie changed the way she thought about how a relationship should be, romantic or otherwise. She was finally learning that how being with certain people made her feel and acting based on that was much better than simply following _how things should be_ , as her father often said.

"I'm sorry if me asking you out made you feel uncomfortable," Aster said apologetically.

“Don’t be sorry,” Ellie answered. “I wasn’t uncomfortable. And to be clear, I didn’t say no because I didn’t want to. It was more that I was worried that I didn’t know the rules of dating and that I’d mess it up.”

Aster sighed and let out a soft chuckle. “Now that we’ve talked about it, I don’t think I know much about going out either. At least not the way that I really want it to be.”

Ellie turned to her, the stars shining over Squahamish now slightly reflecting off her glasses. “Maybe we can figure out what dating means by our own definition, and now how other people expect it to be like,” she said. “Maybe we can learn it together?”

Aster smiled and softly brushed her hand along Ellie’s arm. “I’d love that.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter turned out a tad bit shorter, but after writing it, I really wanted it to be its own chapter. This was originally supposed to be part of the previous but now I'm thankful that didn't happen because I was originally planning a completely different result back then. I like this better and I hope you do, too.
> 
> Also, thank you so much for the interest in this story :)


	5. Chapter 5

Aster could still hear the faint sound of the train passing by as she slowed her car down to a halt. She glanced at the dashboard clock -- it was almost seven in the morning, just as she and Ellie agreed on. She hadn't been out driving this early since school ended, and she felt great enjoying the early morning weather again. The wind was brisk but the sun was also out, keeping her warm. She was just thinking how it was a perfect morning when she saw Ellie walking up to her car from the train booth several minutes later.

"Hey," Ellie greeted, fixing her jacket as she stopped beside the car. "You've been here long?"

"No, just got here," Aster answered with a smile. She restarted the car as Ellie got on the passenger's seat.

The cold morning breeze filled the car again as they drove through the roads within Squahamish. Aster glanced at Ellie who seemed to be taking it all in -- the cold wind, the view they were passing through, the smell of the trees and earth. She suddenly remembered that Ellie will be leaving in a little over a month, and it made her wonder how Ellie felt, leaving the only place she had ever called home.

"Missing this place already?"

Ellie smiled, her eyes fixed on the slight blur of trees beside them. "I haven't actually looked up how Iowa looks like," she answered. "Still trying to decide whether I'm hoping for it to be different from here, or be to pretty much the same."

"Well, you're going to the school you want to go to, so maybe it will be great regardless," Aster reassured her.

"I hope so," Ellie answered. She seemed to ponder for a while before turning to Aster with a curious look on her face. "Was it hard when your family moved here from Sacramento?"

Aster tried to recall how she went through being new at Squahamish. Her family moved when she was in middle school, and she remembered how it felt having to leave all her childhood friends and memories behind. She was angry at her parents back then for deciding to move, and while she had grown to love Squahamish, there were still moments nowadays when she missed her old home.

"It was challenging at first," she finally answered. "Being unfamiliar with everything was unnerving, but we were able to fit in, soon enough. It also helped that the people in school were very friendly."

Ellie chuckled lightly. "I remember that. People were practically raving about the new pretty girl in school, Aster Flores."

"No they were not!" Aster protested playfully.

Ellie raised her eyebrows at her and smirked, "Yes they were, Aster."

Aster's smile burst out into a giggle. Growing up, she'd always felt the need to deny that she was aware of the fact that she was attractive. It just seemed more polite that way. But with Ellie she didn't feel like she had to. Ellie didn't find it off-putting that she knew of her own beauty. "I can totally imagine you rolling your eyes over people reacting like that."

Ellie paused for a bit, smiling guiltily. "Yeah, quite a bit," she answered. "But it was a reaction to _them_ , not to you. It bugged me that they were getting it all wrong."

"What do you mean?" Aster responded, her eyebrows furrowed.

"It just.. bugged me that nobody else seemed to sense that you weren't like the other girls at school," Ellie explained. "They just immediately cast you into this role of being the same as the other pretty girls without even knowing you."

Aster raised her eyebrow and briefly looked at Ellie with a hint of suspicion. "Ok, while I'm touched you thought there was more to me than appearance, we didn't know each other then. How did you know they were wrong?"

She could see that Ellie was looking at her from her peripheral vision as she answered. "I don't know. I just felt it."

A comfortable silence fell upon them for a while, with Aster focusing on driving and Ellie continuing to enjoy the nice view in front of them. It was only when they drove past the sign that they were leaving Squahamish that Ellie spoke again.

"Wait, where are we going?"

Aster quickly glanced at Ellie and brought out a playful smirk. "Do you really want me to tell you or you'll just wait and find out?"

Ellie slightly pouted, her eyes looking up in thought. "Well if you're planning to butcher me and leave me out somewhere in the woods, a heads up would be great."

"You didn't care to know where we were going the last time we went on a long drive," Aster answered, the smirk still on her face. She remembered how fascinated she was that Ellie agreed to go to the hot spring with her that day, months back.

"I still don't," Ellie answered back, now mirroring Aster's smirk. "I just said a heads up would be nice, not that I wouldn't go, even if it means getting butchered."

"Right," Aster said, nodding slowly. "Well, you're not getting butchered, that much I can tell you. At least not by me."

Some time after, Aster took a right from the road they've been traversing for a while, and they found themselves on a small road lined by tall trees with branches that seemed to huddle downwards. Aster couldn't help but smile as she saw Ellie's eyes light up in wonder at the streaks of sunlight that escaped the trees' thick branches, lighting their way. She remembered the first time she had seen the same sight.

"How do you find these places?" Ellie muttered, her head sticking out the window of the car.

"Took a wrong turn going home one time from a weekend trip, ended up here," Aster explained. Several turns later, she heard Ellie gasp softly when they reached their destination: a clearing at the end of the road that overlooked a lake.

Ellie remained in awe as they both stepped out of the car and walked around. The clearing almost looked like a stage, setting up the view of the lake as the main attraction.

"This is where you'd be if you were alone and you had the day to yourself?" Ellie asked with a hint of disbelief, recalling their agreement from days before on where they should go for that day. They were to take turns deciding where to go for their dates, and it was Aster who got to decide on their first.

"Yeah," Aster answered with a grin. "I used to tell Trig I have some errands at home, then tell my dad I'm out with Trig, and then just hang out here."

Ellie stood at the edge of the clearing and Aster walked slowly besides her, hooking her arm around Ellie's as she got close. Aster felt Ellie's arm stiffen a little bit as her hand lightly gripped Ellie's arm but she pretended not to notice. "It's nice here, right?" she asked.

"This is marvelous," Ellie answered. She enjoyed the view for a few more seconds, and then glanced around like she was searching for something. "Is this a park or are we trespassing?"

Aster chuckled at Ellie's tireless inclination to refuse breaking any rule. "It's not a park, and we're not trespassing either. I met the couple who owns this place once. They said that as long as I don't leave any trash whenever I come visit, it's fine. I think they have a cabin here somewhere but I haven't gone around far enough to see it."

Aster let go of Ellie's arm and walked over to a nearby tree. She unfolded a blanket she had taken from the car and laid it down on the ground before lying on top of it. "Come on," she called out to Ellie, who was looking at her from several steps away. Ellie approached a few moments later, getting down on her knees and gingerly crawling besides Aster to lie down beside her. "Oh, you're right this is nice," Ellie muttered softly, looking at the tree branches that towered above them.

"This spot and the spring, I always thought I liked these places because they're where I can spend time alone, you know?" Aster said, her eyes tracing the branches above. "But lately I realized that it's not being alone that I liked," she continued, turning her head towards Ellie. "I just like being where I can be myself."

Ellie turned her heads towards her. "Do you feel like you can't be yourself around other people?"

"Around most people, yeah," Aster answered. "But I feel I can be myself around you."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just wanted to apologize for not updating for so long. I haven't abandoned this story and I plan to complete it, still. It's just that the updates might not come as frequently as they used to. Thank you for all your feedback and quite honestly I don't feel that confident about this latest chapter but I hope you still enjoy.


	6. Chapter 6

Aster opened their front door to head out to her car that Saturday morning when she was met by Paul by the doorway instead.

"Oh! Hey, Aster!" he greeted. Aster glanced at the two paper bags he was carrying. "Your mom ordered some taco sausages, I'm just here to deliver them," he explained, not waiting for Aster to ask.

Aster remembered that her mom mentioned she was having guests that day, which was also part of why she made sure she wouldn't be at home. While her parents had since mellowed down since she came out to them as bisexual, the thinly-veiled snide comments from the rest of their church community was still too much for her to tolerate.

"Right!" Aster replied. "Hold on, I'll just go get mom." She turned to go inside again and almost bumped into her mom who was already by the doorway, reaching out for the bags Paul was carrying.

"Going out to meet Ellie?" Paul asked when Aster's mom had gone back inside. He walked alongside Aster to where her car was.

"Yeah, I'm on my way to pick her up," Aster answered.

"I'm really happy for you two," Paul said, beaming with a smile. "I really am."

Aster returned the smile. It didn't take long for her and Ellie tell Paul that they were going out, although they had to explain that they were taking a different approach to dating. The specifics confused him a little, but he was mostly excited. "We're glad you're on board with it. We owe you a lot, you know."

Paul chuckled. "It's alright. You're perfect for each other." They reached Aster's car and both stood beside it. "I kinda wish I were smarter so I would've figured it out sooner."

"Oh come on," Aster responded, reaching out to softly squeeze Paul's arm. "You're smart. And things happened as they should have."

"I guess you're right."

Aster glanced at her watch and realized it was almost nine o'clock, the time she and Ellie agreed to meet up. "Sorry Paul I have to head to Ellie's now. Do you want a ride home?"

Paul shook his head lightly. "No, I brought my truck. It's just parked way back at Mrs. Hutcherson's because I delivered sausages there earlier."

Aster walked to the door by the driver's seat and gave Paul a teasing look. "You're becoming too busy to hang out with us now, Mr. Businessman."

"I'm sorry!" Paul answered, laughing lightly. "We'll hang out soon for sure."

Aster watched Paul walk to his truck several houses away from her rearview mirror as she drove to the direction of Ellie's house.

It was a couple of weeks before Ellie was supposed to leave for Iowa and Aster was feeling jittery about it. She felt like they were running out of time for something, but she couldn't pinpoint what, exactly. She and Ellie had been spending a lot of time together -- they visited places they loved, even places they hated, and shared stories about each other through each trip. They've never called their trips as dates, but they both knew they were -- they just felt it.

Aster had already picked up Ellie and she noticed that she had directed her to drive to a familiar spot.

"Just park the car right there," Ellie said, pointing at a nearby parking slot. Aster glanced at her from the driver's seat in slight disbelief.

"This is where we're going today? Are you sure?"

Ellie smiled at her, not a bit surprised at her reaction. "Yes."

Aster parked the car as she was instructed. They both stepped out and walked towards the entrance of the building they were in front of. Aster caught herself walking slower than usual and Ellie noticed it immediately. "What's wrong?" Ellie asked, chuckling softly as she stood a couple of steps away from Aster.

"I was looking forward to not having to go back here, at least not for several more weeks," Aster explained, staring at her feet and frowning a little. "I don't really enjoy it here,"

Ellie extended her arm out, offering her hand and a reassuring smile. "That's part of why we're here. Come on."

Seeing Ellie now offer a hand for her to hold with such comfort made Aster's heart flutter. Weeks ago, Ellie would often visibly tense up whenever they were close, and especially when they touched. But as time went on she felt Ellie become more comfortable with her, and more importantly with herself. She took Ellie's hand and smiled back. "Ok, but only because I trust you."

They headed towards the door of their high school building and walked to the familiar hallways, walking hand in hand.

"I've never been here during the summer," Aster commented. "Never knew they keep it open during vacation."

"Most days they do," Ellie replied. "They hold some summer classes, and some back-up varsity teams have their practice sessions."

Aster turned to Ellie in surprise. "You spent a lot of time here during summers?"

"Had to," Ellie shrugged. "I tutored several kids back then and this was the only place we can have sessions where the kids wouldn't get distracted."

Aster looked at one of the vacant classrooms and imagined Ellie there, seating across another student, patiently teaching them while the rest of the school's population including herself was enjoying their summer vacation. She felt a bit sad knowing that Ellie wasn't able to enjoy her vacation days through the years the same way she did, but she also knew that Ellie found great importance in being able to help at home.

Several minutes later, Aster realized they had been walking seemingly aimlessly through the school hallways. "So did you bring me here to teach me Advanced Algebra?" she asked playfully.

"We both know you're already good at it," Ellie answered. She held Aster's hand a bit tighter as they walked further ahead. "I remember always noticing when you were walking nearby around these halls through those years," she said, her other hand running across the locker doors. "I remember being worried that I was being a creep."

"Well, maybe the fact that you were worried about it is as sign that you weren't being a creep," Aster answered. "Most if not all of the creepy people I've ever encountered were painfully unaware that they were making other people uncomfortable."

"Good point," Ellie responded.

"Also, I've watched you walk through these halls too, you know?" Aster said.

"Ok that can't be true!"

"Why not? I really did" Aster exclaimed, her other hand pulling on Ellie's jacket sleeve slightly. "I thought you were interesting. Was never able to watch you for very long though. You always walked fast, like you're late for something."

"I was usually late for something," Ellie answered, chuckling.

After a while, Aster noticed Ellie's expression become a bit more serious. "You know, if anyone told me before that I'd get to walk through this place while holding your hand, I never would've believed them."

It was then that Aster started to realize possible reasons why Ellie had chosen for them to visit their high school. She was creating a more fond memory to remember the place l by, perhaps to replace the past ones. And with Aster having to spend one last year there without Ellie, it will also be this memory that will help her get through future moments.

"It's going to be different walking around this place knowing you're nowhere near," Aster muttered sadly. She felt Ellie's grip tighten a little bit.

"It's going to be hard walking anywhere without you," Ellie answered back.

After a few moments, Aster realized they were at that part of the hallway where she helped Ellie pick up her things after someone knocked them over. "Hey Ellie, remember this spot?" she asked, her tone trying to liven up the mood.

"I do," Ellie answered, her tone trying to match Aster's. "I introduced myself to you."

Aster turned to face Ellie, giggling. "You did! I thought you looked cute. You were so distracted and unimpressed of everything around you."

"I was not!" Ellie scoffed playfully. "I was actually shocked you even noticed me." She looked down and took both of Aster's hands with hers. "If anything, I was in awe of you."

Aster glanced at their hands and intertwined her fingers with Ellie's. She looked up at Ellie, who was then looking straight into her eyes.

"Ellie, I--"

Aster's words were cut short as Ellie gently reached in for a kiss. She gently let go of Ellie's hands and cupped her face, pulling her close. The kiss felt different than any other she had experienced -- it was a mixture of excitement and safety. It was slow, thoughtful, and certain.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy new year to everyone. Again, sorry for taking a while to post an update. I hope you're all safe, healthy, and are able to enjoy this chapter. Thank you for reading.


End file.
